Maria Bello has played many characters in her 25-year acting career—from Anna on ER, to Lil in Coyote Ugly, to Edie in A History of Violence—but it took a life threatening illness for her to ask herself: who is the main character in my life? In WHATEVER…LOVE IS LOVE Questioning the Labels We Give Ourselves (Dey Street Books; April 28, 2015; $25.99 Hardcover), Maria answers that question, and more, in a powerful, intimate meditation on identity filled with wisdom and insights relevant to us all.
On bed rest, recovering from a parasite she’d picked up in Haiti, poring over hundreds of journals she’d kept since she was a girl, Maria wondered: what moments and experiences defined her most, and who was she now? What was her story? She wanted to tell it before it was too late. But as she sought answers, more questions presented themselves. She considered the people at her bedside each day—her 12-year-old son, Jackson; his father who no longer lived with them; her best female friend with whom she’d fallen in love; her brother Chris and her mom—and wondered: what is our story? What do we call ourselves? Who is my partner? Who is my family? And she realized, the traditional labels just didn’t fit. A few months later, after she’d recovered, she understood: those labels didn’t matter. And she also knew, if she was going to tell her story, she would have to tell it completely.
In WHATEVER…LOVE IS LOVE, Maria does just that, and in the process sheds new light on old notions of partnership, family, and love. Sparked by a watershed article she wrote for the New York Times entitled “Coming Out as a Modern Family”—in which she recalls how Jackson asked about her romantic life, then encouraged her to “shout it to the world,” WHATEVER…LOVE IS LOVE is a clarion call, written with honesty, humor, and hard-won wisdom.
In chapters with titles that range from Am I a Catholic?, Am I a Feminist?, and Am I a Good Mom? to even deeper reflections such as Am I Damaged?, Am I Perfect?, and Am I Enough?, Maria bares all, recollecting formative moments, relationships, and influences in her life, including:
• Her complicated relationship with her father, an alcoholic diagnosed later in life as bipolar; his excesses and rages when she was growing up, his eventual recovery, and the kindness, acceptance, and wisdom he showed her later in life.
• Marias’ own lifelong struggles with her “shadow”—depression, rages, manias, and suicidal intentions—and her eventual bipolar diagnosis at the age of 27, when she ended up stranded at a truck stop in Arizona, ready to end her life.
• Her profound admiration for her mother, who battled cancer most of her adult life—given months, she lived for years, time and again—whose motto has been an eternal source of inspiration to Maria: You have to laugh!
• Her lifelong friendship with a priest named Father Ray, whom she met during her freshman year at Villanova (she was 19; he was 62), and who showed her unconditional acceptance and love, even when she couldn’t show them to herself.
• Her spiritual journey to find “god”—from her upbringing in Catholicism to her eventual blending of ideas for form a belief system that feels right for her.
• Her travels around the world and her love for the country of Haiti, where she eventually devoted years of her life to the recovery effort after the earthquake of 2010.
• The relationships and secret affairs she had with men over the years, in and outside Hollywood—the attractions, love, sex, and break-ups—all ending in disappointment or devastation.
• Her lasting, ever-evolving partnership with producer Dan McDermott, the father of her son Jackson—how they met and fell in love, and how their friendship endures today.
• Her romantic partnership with Clare Munn—how their friendship evolved, how she came to realize she’d fallen in love, the struggle to come to terms with what that meant, and the decision to make their relationship public.
Like the New York Times essay that engendered it, WHATEVER…LOVE IS LOVE is both personal and revelatory. In celebrating and broadening how Bello defines “partner” and “family” in her own life, she offers affirmation to others for whom traditional definitions also don’t fit. As Maria writes—about herself and the thousands upon thousands who responded empathetically to her article—we are “whatevers,” and that’s perfect.
In challenging old labels and constructions, WHATEVER…LOVE IS LOVE amplifies an important conversation that has gathered a league of voices. Maria hears them, and in speaking her own truth, helps them to be heard.
ABOUT MARIA BELLO
Maria Bello is a mother, actor, activist and author. Her essay in the New York Times Modern Love column, “Coming Out as a Modern Family” is one of the ten most popular articles in a decade. Maria’s Whatever campaign (www.whateverloveislove.com) supports human and equal rights causes. A portion of proceeds from the sale of products on the site will go toward supporting the organizations: HRC (hrc.org), Equality Now (equalitynow.org), and We Advance (weadvance.org).She lives in Los Angeles, California. She accepts no other labels at this time.